a big blur of tired, hormone-induced thoughts

so another year over with. i can't believe i will be a junior in college. i think i've changed a lot over this past year. i feel like i've grown up a lot, but i guess i've felt that at the end of every year, but looking back i was so naive. so young, still. i don't know, either way, it is what it is. this year was filled with ups and downs, and i can't say that i enjoyed every bit of it, but for the most part, it was better than i could have asked for. i've made new friendships, rekindled old ones, and even lost a few along the way. i've figured out some flaws of mine that could use some working on. i found out that i cry a little too easily. i have terrible mood swings. i make small situations out to be more of a problem than they really are. i knew all of these things to begin with, it's just that i'm now seeing them in their true light. whatever the hell that means....you get what i'm saying. i also figured out that i am terrified of disappointing people. not really a flaw, more of a fear discovery. my brain has this uncanny ability to wrongly predict the outcome of situations that i'm worried about (most of which never come close to happening) and i have this spark inside of me that screams at me if i feel like someone i love or care about could be disappointed in any way. i used to think it was my conscience, but i'm starting to learn the difference between that and flat out fear. part of me thinks my life is going in the right direction. i'm going to get to work with animals in some way, make enough money to support a family, and be successful. but another part of me is unhappy. that side feels the pressure of disappointing.....i feel like if i was really doing what i wanted to be doing, instead of what i THINK i should be wanting to do, i would feel a much greater sense of accomplishment and self satisfaction. i just don't know how to make that step. i feel like i'm living a life that others find satisfactory, not necessarily a life that i want to be living. not saying what they have in mind is bad, but i feel empty about where i'm headed educationally and professionally. but then i think about it and it's leading me down a path i know i could love. ever since belize, i know for a fact that i could be one hell of a marine biologist. i love the ocean. it's as simple as that. but is the ocean something i would give up being close to my family for? that i'm not sure of. i dunno, maybe it's my damn hormones.....you know what i'm talking about.....garrrrrrr, being a girl is so difficult sometimes! thigs make sense on the surface, but once you dig deeper, there's a whole other world.......i'll leave you with a quote that has inspired this little rant...

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Harold Whitman

i guess i'm just not sure of wht makes me come alive the most....

Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum or a star
And be as you are

Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year


I wanna play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon Be as you are
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum or a star
And be as you are

only 13 days till Belize.......i cannot wait....

yeowza, i haven't written on here in ages. i think i'm going to pull a josh and write until my brains ooze out through my ears. or till i fall asleep....whichever comes first.

first semester of my sophomore year of college is over. it's such a scary thought, knowing that in five short semesters i will either be going to grad school or starting my life in the real world. ewww to both. i want back the simplicity of elementary school. when i didn't brush my hair, just threw it back in a ponytail and that was perfectly acceptable. when "carrying around five extra pounds" only referred to my lunch bag your mom packed. when kickball in the street was cool, and so was getting up early to play line tag at the bus stop. when teachers consoled me for leaving my homework at home, not dropping my grade five percent for it. those were the days! this past semester ate me alive, and i don't know how my poor GPA survived. but regardless, i sneaked past another semester, not totally unscathed, but wiser nonetheless. i now know that i can fully function off of four hours of sleep for at least sixteen. i also know that i can go 18 with a little caffeine and lots of laughs!

i miss people from school. not the heartless bastards who use others to get what they need, not the skanky flirts who hit on anything with a heartbeat and something below the belt, not the bitchy people who remind me of high school. just my friends. and those are actually the minority right now. and i don't mind one bit. because i know that the people i'm referring to right now actually give a damn. they are people i would be willing to go out of my way for, and i know they would do the same for me. knowing those people were there for me is really what helped me get through this semester without being comitted to a mental facility. so to all of you in st. joe who will never read this, i love you all dearly!!!

hmmm......so maybe i'm not so good at ranting and raving. this is most definitely weak compared to josh's novels. wow, suckage. mental roadblock. whatever. my brains aren't oozing out yet, but i'm definitely drowsy now! good night, everyone, and have a fantastic rest of your break!!

i feel like someone is trying to pull the rug out from underneath my feet right now. i'm not going to let it happen.